Must Sell Now

by Doug Love

“I need you to list my house, man. I must sell now! Time is of the essence!”

That message was good news. I would love a new listing.

I drove straight over to the address. The front door was open and loud music poured out. I knocked on the door jamb and called out. “Hello?”

A skinny wild-eyed guy with long stringy hair jumped into view from the interior. “What’s wrong, man?” he shouted.

I said I received a message to list a house. Did he call?

“Oh, yeah!” He dashed off into the house. “Come on in, man, we’re getting ready to sell. Time is of the essence, right?”

The interior looked like an active garbage dump. Bottles, fast-food wrappers, cigarette butts, and furniture askew covered the floor. A skinny German shepherd was licking a pizza box.

The guy leaped out the back door.

“Here’s my wife!” he shouted. She was crawling up and down the back patio methodically arranging a couple dozen potted plants in two straight lines, sliding them an inch or two this way or that, then repeating the process, her eyes in a fixed stare. Other than the two rows of potted plants, the back yard was a replica of the interior: piles of garbage and junk.

I was mystified, but I told them I would do some research on market value and return the next day to discuss a listing.

“For sure, man!” said the guy. “Totally! Time is of the essence!”

Back at the office I described the bizarre scene to my wily old mentor KDV.

“Sounds flaky,” said KDV. ”Reminds me of some of the pads I’ve seen in the Hollywood Hills, babe. Don’t get your hopes up.”

The next day I knocked at the front door. I heard no music and got no answer. I was turning to leave when the door opened slowly. The guy peered at me, eyes half-shut, with total non-recognition. I reminded him of our plan to discuss listing the house.

“Oh yeah?” he said slowly, “No way I’m selling, man.”

Mystified again, I drove away thinking ‘flaky is right.’

A week later I received another message from the guy: “I need you to list my house, man. I must sell now! Time is of the essence!”

Normally that message would be good news.