Going Downhill

by Doug Love

“Think like a roofer!” said John James Miskella. John James took it personally when people mistreated their roofs. “See all those leaves sitting on that roof?” he said. “Leaves are acidic, dang it all, acidic! The acid eats through the mineral coating, destroying the shingles. I can’t believe people let layer after layer of leaves pile up and destroy their roof!”

I thought smugly of myself sweeping the leaves off my roof with my push-broom, a commercial variety, with a wide brush made of stiff bristle. I could move a lot of leaves with that broom. Even the deepest layer of leaves, the ones glued to the roofing, came off under the force of that commercial push-broom.

“Worse than the leaves are these idiots with their commercial push-brooms,” said John James. “They brush so hard; they rip the mineral coating clean off the surface and ruin their own roof! Idiots!”

I shook my head as if to say: How could there be such idiots?

Actually, I had recently obtained a commercial-variety leaf-blower which made the job even easier. The leaf-blower made it possible to blow leaves in all directions, not just downhill as with the push-broom.

“Worse than the idiots with their push-brooms,” said John James, “are the maniacs with their commercial-variety leaf-blowers.”

“Oh?” I said innocently, “How could a leaf-blower hurt the roof?”

He looked at me like I was an idiot. “Look,” he said, “these maniacs with their leaf-blowers push the leaves in all directions instead of the proper direction: Downhill!”

“So?”

“So?” he mocked. “So when they blow the leaves sideways and uphill, they force the leaves and grit under the shingles where it rots and destroys the most vulnerable part of the roofing. Can’t they see the shingles flapping under the force of the air from that machine?”

In my mind, I saw a picture of myself on the roof with my leaf-blower; leaves rocketing in all directions as I grinned maniacally, feeling the power of administering hurricane-force winds. Through the storm of leaves and grit I saw the shingles flapping like wings.

“So, what do we tell these idiots?” I asked.

“Trim the branches to eliminate leaves in the first place. Then sweep the leaves gently; or blow them gently: Downhill!” said John James.

He tapped the side of his head. “Think like a roofer!”