Un-selling

by Doug Love

I was driving along, honing my skills as a lively and interesting conversationalist, when to my utter amazement, tears shot from the eyes of my passenger, Kathy Grisham.

“No, no, no, no,” she sobbed into her hands.

“Uh,” I said. I recalled in that moment the words of my mentor, the wily and wise KDV: “There’s more to this real estate stuff than showing houses and writing contracts, babe.”

“It’s all wrong!” Kathy bellowed. “My husband won’t listen to me! The house he wants us to buy, it’s all wrong, all wrong. It needs too much work and costs too much. And I’m about to have a baby! Do you understand?” She wrung tears from her handkerchief like a soaked washrag.

I understood the part about having a baby. The rest I was foggy on. Kathy and her husband Brad were excited about buying this house as far as I knew, and I was excited about making a sale.

Now she was yelling. “He’s a dreamer! Always biting off more than he can chew, always getting in over his head!”

When she said “getting in over his head” she whirled her handkerchief in circles over her head, and covered the inside of the car with showers of tears. “You’ve got to get me out of this,” she wailed.

I wiped the tears from my cheek, also my hair and right ear, and drove on to the house, where we met Brad.

“Honey!” said Brad, as we strolled room to room, “just wait till I refinish these hardwood floors, and patch this old plaster. The painting is no big deal, and some plumbing and electrical will get the kitchen and bathroom in shape in no time.” It took everything I had to not shout, “Here, Brad! Sign this tear-stained contract!”

But Kathy looked at me pleadingly. I silently said good-bye to my tear-stained contract.

“Uh, it’ll take a lot of money and time to do all that,” I said numbly, “are you sure you’re not getting in over your head, biting off more than you can chew?” I wanted to bite off and chew my tongue.

Brad saw the look of agreement on Kathy’s face. “Honey?” he said.

“You’ve been painting our apartment for two years,” she said. “I want some furniture besides paint cans, tarps and ladders.”

Back at the office I told KDV my sordid tale.

“Ah, yes!” said KDV. “The art of un-selling! You know, babe, there’s more to this real estate stuff than showing houses and writing contracts.”