Love's Real Stories

Answering all the real estate questions you never knew you had.

Category: Sellers

Assuming

I assumed the man at the back of the property was a hired caretaker. I would soon find out I assumed wrong. He wore overalls and stood in front of a tall weather-worn wooden barn with a steep-sloped roof. He hammered on a long piece of metal between a pair of sawhorses. The man and his work were dwarfed by the big old barn and the barn was dwarfed by a group of giant oak and sycamore trees. Though the sun was high in the sky and it was a bright spring day, only mottled spots of sunshine reached barn and the ground through the canopy of the trees.

I was there to meet a lady I had talked to on the phone the previous day. She told me she had inherited the property from her mother, and was thinking of selling. She told me her mother had passed away a year ago and the place was looked after by a caretaker. I assumed she was the sole heir and she alone was in charge of selling the property. I would soon find out I assumed wrong.

The property was a unique and rare beauty, five acres within the main boundaries of town, bordered on one side by a wild stretch of creek. The surrounding area had been subdivided into neighborhoods and built up years before. This five acre piece was the holdout. The mother had refused buyers’ offers year after year, vowing to raise her kids and live her life out on the property, which she did.

I had parked on the street and walked past the old Craftsman-style family home, and proceeded back toward the barn.

“Morning,” I called to the man at the barn. I told him I was there to meet the owner of the property and discuss selling the property.

“Gonna meet the owner, huh?” he said. “Nice piece of property here. You Real Estate?”

I told him yes, I was “Real Estate” and asked if he took care of the place.

“Oh, I do my part from time to time.” He knew I had misjudged him, and he kept it that way.

“Place like this should go to a family,” he said. “These folks have been here over a hundred years.”

I told him I agreed, and that it would be a shame to see it changed, but unfortunately the most likely buyer was a developer, because of the property’s extremely high value as development ground.

“An appraiser would say,” I told him, “that developing the property would be its ‘highest and best use’.”

“I hate words like ‘highest and best use’,” he said. “Besides, I wouldn’t talk about selling a place like this on a fine day like today.”

A fine day it was. The creek sparkled in the spring sunshine and blue and white flowers waved in the creekside breezes.

“I see you’ve met my brother.” It was the lady I had talked to on the phone. “Our mother left the property to both of us, so my brother will be involved in any talk of selling.”

So the man was the lady’s brother, not the caretaker, and the lady was not the sole heir.

I looked at the brother and he said nothing but shook his head slightly.

I harkened back to the words of my old mentor, KDV: “Never assume. You know what happens you assume?” I knew.

I told the lady, “I don’t think your brother wants to talk to me about selling.”

That time I assumed right.

The Heart of the Deal

Guess which of these Old-World phrases is found in all modern-day real estate contracts:

“E Pluribus Unum”; or “Time is of the Essence”; or “Thou Shalt Not Kill”?

My old mentor, KDV, knew real estate contract language the way you and I know our own names. KDV spoke Old-World dialect, too. He said things like, “Right on, brother”; and “She’s a great broad”; and “Man, that’s some jive turkey.”

KDV loved to point to real-life situations to demonstrate the meaning of contract language. A good example of the phrase in question is a situation in which KDV himself was involved.

KDV fired up his hand-rolled cigarette and leaned against the back door of our office building. He snapped shut the Zippo lighter, and motioned his thumb toward the parking place where his car was parked a few feet away. “This dame just doesn’t get it, babe.”

“You mean the little grey-haired lady in the back seat of your car? I’ve noticed she’s been riding around with you for a while,” I said. “Is that a cat on her shoulder? And what’s that on the front the seat, a beanstalk?”

“It’s a rubber plant, man. Her dog is on the floor, and her suitcase and boxes are in the trunk.”

“Where are you taking her?”

“You got any room out at your place, bro?”

“Sorry, my house is packed with kids, and we just got another horse, so the barn is full, too.”

The little grey-haired lady in KDV’s car was one Mrs. Swenson, who had just sold her home through KDV. Mrs. Swenson was mad at everyone, and refused to leave, though she no longer owned the home. The buyer’s moving van was idling in the driveway when KDV convinced her she really had to leave.

“She doesn’t get what?” I asked.

“Only the most important language in all binding agreements between members of the human race!” he said. His voice climbed in volume. “Only the clause empowering enforcement of the promise we make to each other to act with diligence in the performance of our contractual obligations!”

He stared into my face, apparently hoping for a glimmer of comprehension. Finding only the dim look of a cow chewing its cud, he said patiently, “Come on, sweetheart, you remember Contract Class, right? It’s the phrase that keeps us all on the straight and narrow.”

“Thou shalt not kill?”

“Ha! Very funny, Jokemeister! You are joking…..?

“E Pluribus Unum? I asked.”

My mentor lowered his head and shook it slowly. Then he straightened up and stood tall like the Statue of Liberty, chin up, and arm held high, clutching his cigarette like the statue’s flaming torch of enlightenment.

In his deepest booming voice he pronounced: “Time is of the Essence!”

Mrs. Swenson stared at him through the car window and shook her head, as if she had heard this before. KDV continued his pronouncement: “Time is of the Essence, my brother! The contract is speaking to us. It is telling us the timelines are for real. It sayeth thou shalt not ignore, bend or mutilate the contract deadlines or thou couldst lose some serious bread!”

He nodded toward Mrs. Swenson. “I had to save this dear damsel from the distress from a lawsuit,” he said. “I talked her down off the ledge of contractual suicide. One more day in that house would have cost her big-time, babe.”

“Wow,” I said, “what now?”

“Well, right now, I gotta hustle for home. I’m late for a lunch date with my wife, and she knows what I know, babe.”

“What’s that?”

“Time is of the Essence!”

Must Sell Now

“I need you to list my house, man. I must sell now! Time is of the essence!”

That message was good news. I would love a new listing.

I drove straight over to the address. The front door was open and loud music poured out. I knocked on the door jamb and called out. “Hello?”

A skinny wild-eyed guy with long stringy hair jumped into view from the interior. “What’s wrong, man?” he shouted.

I said I received a message to list a house. Did he call?

“Oh, yeah!” He dashed off into the house. “Come on in, man, we’re getting ready to sell. Time is of the essence, right?”

The interior looked like an active garbage dump. Bottles, fast-food wrappers, cigarette butts, and furniture askew covered the floor. A skinny German shepherd was licking a pizza box.

The guy leaped out the back door.

“Here’s my wife!” he shouted. She was crawling up and down the back patio methodically arranging a couple dozen potted plants in two straight lines, sliding them an inch or two this way or that, then repeating the process, her eyes in a fixed stare. Other than the two rows of potted plants, the back yard was a replica of the interior: piles of garbage and junk.

I was mystified, but I told them I would do some research on market value and return the next day to discuss a listing.

“For sure, man!” said the guy. “Totally! Time is of the essence!”

Back at the office I described the bizarre scene to my wily old mentor KDV.

“Sounds flaky,” said KDV. ”Reminds me of some of the pads I’ve seen in the Hollywood Hills, babe. Don’t get your hopes up.”

The next day I knocked at the front door. I heard no music and got no answer. I was turning to leave when the door opened slowly. The guy peered at me, eyes half-shut, with total non-recognition. I reminded him of our plan to discuss listing the house.

“Oh yeah?” he said slowly, “No way I’m selling, man.”

Mystified again, I drove away thinking ‘flaky is right.’

A week later I received another message from the guy: “I need you to list my house, man. I must sell now! Time is of the essence!”

Normally that message would be good news.

Draw the Line

A certain word associated with country property should never be forgotten. Hard lessons are learned when it is.

The lesson for me began with a phone message from my client, Jill:

“We have a problem. Would you give us a call, please?” Her voice was shaky. “Freddy won’t go away!

Jill and her husband Jack closed escrow and moved into their new country home just a week prior. “Freddy” was the seller, Mr. Johnson, an old mountain man who didn’t say much. Jill dubbed him Freddy after a character in a horror movie. “He just creeps me out,” she would say. “He stares at us. And he wears that black felt hat and plaid jacket.”

I first met Freddy, that is, Mr. Johnson, at the side of the road. He held a rumbling chain saw, and stared at me. He made it clear I had inconvenienced him by interrupting his work.

“I’m looking for the owner of the property up the road, the two-story house with the pond in back,” I said.

He stared.

I explained I had buyers for country property and I was scouting for them. Did he know who owns the property?

“Yep.”

Did he know their name?

“Yep.”

Several ‘yep’s later, I determined he was, in fact, the owner in question. I eventually listed Mr. Johnson’s property, and Jill and Jack bought it.

I returned Jill’s call.

“Freddy’s up there right now,” she said. “At our pond!”

Forty minutes later, I stood next to Mr. Johnson.

“Pretty, ain’t it?” he said. The pond was the best feature of the property; clear, fresh, and private, surrounded by sycamores, maples and oaks.

As tactfully as I could, I told Mr. Johnson that Jill and Jack were uncomfortable with his unannounced visits. “It is their property now,” I said.

“Pond ain’t on the property,” he said, “this here’s BLM land.”

“But the fence line…….”

“Old cow fence,” he said.

I flinched and recalled a vision of my old mentor, KDV. “A certain word associated with country property should never be forgotten, babe,” he said. “Listen, bro, the only way country buyers will know what they’re buying, is if they get a………..”

“Survey,” I said out loud. “We should have gotten a survey!”

Mr. Johnson stared at me. “Yep.”

Play Ball

Business over pleasure is understandable, but business over baseball is unacceptable when the San Francisco Giants make the playoffs. A season when the Giants make the playoffs is as rare as hen’s teeth, to quote a saying by my Old Grand-Dad. If you were to recite all the sayings by my Old Grand-Dad it would take a month of Sundays. The list would be as long as your arm and I’m not pulling your leg.

The Giants were as hot as blue blazes and won their division for the first time in 16 years, so I was as happy as a dog with two tails. But like all long-suffering Giants fans, I was also as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.

Right now I was as mad as a wet hen as I drove toward the country property to be sold by Jack and Ethel Birdson. I had been as dumb as a box of rocks for booking my appointment the same time as the opening playoff game between the Giants and the Cubs. I could at least, I thought, catch the first couple of innings on the car radio. But alas, as I left the valley behind, the radio reception faded until it was just as clear as mud.

The road was as crooked as a dog’s hind leg as I approached the mountain dale that was the Birdson homestead. It was as pretty as a picture and I would dearly love to list the place. But on my previous visit Jack had been as cool as a cucumber toward me, so I felt my chances were as slim as a broomstick. I wondered: How can I butter him up and make our relationship as warm as toast?

“Jack, you come down here, right now,” Ethel yelled. “Mr. Love is here!” She turned to me. “Jack’s as crazy as a loon about those Giants. He’s up in that big pine tree trying to get radio reception.”

Quick as a flash I was up that pine tree. “What inning?” I asked.

An hour later Ethel brought out a couple more beers for us.

“You guys are like two peas in a pod,” she said.

Yes we were, and we stayed that way as sure as the day is long.

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